The Prairie Blog has learned that the National Broadcasting Company (NBC) has bought the Comedy Central television network for an undisclosed sum that is said to be about half of what former NBC News anchor Brian Williams earns in a year.
“We had a bunch of cash lying around, and decided this would be a good use for it,” a network executive said today.
In an effort to boost their NBC Nightly News show in the under-70 demographic, the network announced that Comedy Central’s Daily Show host Jon Stewart will replace the recently-fired Williams as anchor in their regular 6:30 p.m. (ET) news show.
“We know that most of our regular Nightly News viewers have never stayed up late enough to watch Stewart, so he’ll take some getting used to,” the network executive said. “But we also know that most of Stewart’s regular viewers are just toking up for the evening when Nightly News comes on, and we think they will enjoy watching Stewart when they are not as wasted as they normally are when he comes on the air at 11:30 (ET).”
The network also announced that, in an effort to boost the number of black viewers watching the Nightly News, they will replace Williams’ regular black substitute host Lester Holt with Comedy Central’s new black comedy show host Larry Wilmore, who recently replaced Stephen Colbert in the time slot following Stewart.
“A lot of our black viewers found Holt to be a little too, well, ‘brown’” the NBC executive said. “Wilmore’s presence will assure them that the network is indeed committed to a ‘black’ audience.”
When asked to comment on the story, Stewart said “Wow, this is a big f**king deal! You can be sure I won’t be reading the same s**t that Brian Williams was reading every night.”
NBC also announced that instead of being a truly “live” broadcast, the network will switch to a ten-second delay for the show, allowing network “editors” to take advantage of new broadcast software being developed especially for Stewart’s show which will offer nearly-instantaneous substitution of the words “flip” and “snap” for two of Stewart’s favorite on-air words, which FCC regulations forbid on broadcast television. “The software is so good, it will be seamless,” the NBC executive said. “We thought this software program was a much better solution to curbing Stewart’s use of four letter words than trying to reprogram him.”
Williams, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment. A voicemail message on his cellphone said he was tied up having lunch with Queen Elizabeth, the Pope and the Dalai Lama.